Date: Wed, 27 May 1998 15:45:53 -0400
From: Kafka Dreams 
To: void
Subject: I want a new drink

I want a new drink from the Drink Manufacturers.

I'm serious.

I have been through the various soda pop phases - the six-pack-a-day Coca Cola caffiene addiction, the post-Coke digestive trauma and caffeine recovery don't-even-show-me-a-bottle-of-soda period, the post-caramel-coloring Clear-Sodas-Only phase (two-part, the mass-marketed Sprite/7-Up/Slice disapointment and the less-hyped clear flavored sodas dining experience), the desperate Mountain Dew slams, the itchy-teeth Jolt occasionals, and the wishing-I-were-famous so I could publicly state that I drank the soda which no one famous imbibes, and (recently) the organic sodas (which help make great burps and which come CLOSE to being the right thing).

I have never liked any flavor of coffee, so I'll just skip over that bit.

I have been through the various juice phases - the OJ addiction, the cranberry cocktail pleasantries, the grapefruit juice teeth rending, the over-sugared bottles of please-keep-me-awake, the brownish-pink organic age, and (of course) the Fresh Samantha Slurp.

None of this was enough. They are too thick, too thin, too sweetened, too over-processed, too carbonated, too much like licking ashtrays.

This new drink must be:

• Non-alcoholic
• Very lightly carbonated so that it's _just_ sparkly rather than fizzy - CRISP!
• Tasty - well-flavored without either being too obnoxious or presenting the weak wave-a-lemon-near-it lack-of flavor (and over-carbonation) of the Poland Springs Sodas

• CONTAIN NO HIGH FRUCTOSE CORN SYRUP comma dammit
• Have natural flavorings (that which makes it tasty should be something real and not splorted from a vat)
• Come in flavors other than Root Beer or Cream Soda

The origin of the drink should be nigh J. Peterman-like - the recipe discovered in some grandparent's old steamer trunk, hidden in the lining. Or perhaps thought up by a brilliant young drink-thinker, disillusioned by the Big Drink Industry and ready to make a new beverage with Integrity.

The can should be tasteful with a low-key color scheme and not too much verbage nattering on about how good it is. Those who should know will be aware of exactly how tasty it is.

The ads should be subtle and wry, with a target market of smart people tired of drinking sludge and interesting spokes-types in various shapes and sizes.

If only, if only, if only.

If only I could just have The Perfect Drink, I know everything else would turn out all right.

Kelly J.