Stephen Wright is a very funny fellow

• A cop stopped me for speeding. He said, 'Why were you going so fast?' I said, 'See this thing my foot is on? It's called an accelerator. When you push down on it, it sends more gas to the engine. The whole car just takes right off. And see this thing? This steers it'
• A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go. You'll just be walking down the street and.................oohh, that's much better.
• Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
• For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
• I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine.
• I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don't know how I got there.
• I bought a million lottery tickets. I won a dollar.
• I bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again.
• I bought some powdered water, but I didn't know what to add.
• I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
• I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said, "Steven, time to go to sleep" I said "But I don't know how." She said, "It's real easy. Just go down to the end of tired and hang a left." So I went down to the end of tired, and just out of curiosity I hung a right. My mother was there, and she said "I thought I told you to go to sleep."
• I don't like the sound of my phone ringing so I put my phone inside my fish tank. I can't hear it, but every time I get a call I see the fish go like this <<<>>>><<>><<<<<. I go down to the pet store. 'Gimme another ten guppies, I got a lotta calls yesterday.'
• I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.
• I got a dog and named him `Stay'. Now, I go `Come here, Stay!' After a while, the dog went insane and wouldn't move at all.
• I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one -- it wasn't doing what I was doing.
• I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over the cop looks at it (moving it nearer & farther, trying to see it clearly).... and says, "Here, you can go."
• I got pulled over by a cop, and he said, 'do you know the speed limit here is 55 miles per hour?'. So I said, 'oh, that's OK, I'm not going that far.'
• I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
• I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it's going to be up all night.
• I have a hobby. I have the world's largest collection of sea shells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen some of it.
• I have a map of the United States, life size. 1 mile equals 1 mile. It's a bitch to fold it.
• I have a microwave fireplace in my house...The other night I relaxed in front of the fire for the evening in ten minutes.
• I have an answering machine in my car. It says, "I'm home now, but leave a message and I'll call when I'm out."
• I have two very rare photographs. One is a picture of Houdini locking his keys in his car. The other is a rare photograph of Norman Rockwell beating up a child.
• I lost a button hole.
• I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if they can help me, and I say,' Have you got anything I'd like?' Then they ask me what size I need, and I say, ' Extra medium.'
• I made wine out of raisins so I wouldn't have to wait for it to age.
• I once put instant coffee in a microwave and went back in time.
• I once tried to commit suicide by jumping off a building...I changed my mind at the last minute, so I just flipped over and landed on my feet. Two little kittens nearby saw what happened and one turns to the other and says, "See, that's how it's done."
• I parked in the tow-away zone, and when I got back, the entire neighborhood was gone.
• I planted some bird seed. A bird grew. Now I don't know what to feed it.
• I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.
• I put my air conditioner in backwards. It got cold outside. The weatherman on TV was confused. "It was supposed to be hot today."
• I replaced the headlights on my car with strobe lights. Now it looks like I'm the only one moving.
• I saw a sign at a gas station. It said 'help wanted'. There was another sign below it that said 'self service'. So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit.
• I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.
• I saw a want ad. "light housekeeping." They said "Here, change this bulb." I said "I'll need some friends."
• I spilled spot remover on my dog....now he's gone.
• I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
• I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.
• I was an only child, eventually.
• I was in a job interview and I opened a book and started reading. Then I said to the guy, "Let me ask you a question. If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?" He said, "I don't know." I said, "I don't want your job."
• I was in the first submarine. Instead of a periscope, they had a kaleidoscope. "We're surrounded."
• I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said "pet supplies". So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said "compact cars".
• I was reading the dictionary, I thought it was a poem about everything.
• I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.
• I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.
• I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart.
• I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.
• I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time." So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
• I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house.
• I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.
• I woke up this morning and couldn't find my socks, so I called information. She said they were behind the couch. She was right.
• I worked in a health food store once. A guy came in and asked me, 'If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?'
• I wrote a couple of children's books.... not on purpose
• I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, "I think I might have written that."
• I xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra xerox machine.
• I'm not afraid of heights. I'm afraid of widths.
• I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
• If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
• If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
• In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.
• In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said, "Cut it out."
• In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends with a period. Every crime ends with a sentence.
• It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.
• Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle.
• Last year for Christmas, I got a humidifier and a dehumidifier.... I thought I'd put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
• Last year we drove across the country... We had one cassette tape to listen to on the entire trip... I don't remember what it was...
• My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.
• My girlfriend asked me how long I was going to be gone on this tour. I said, "the whole time".
• My girlfriend asked me if I slept well. I said no, I made a couple mistakes.
• My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I'll throw it at them.
• My neighbor has a circular driveway. He can't get out.
• My school colors were clear. I'm not naked, I'm in the band.
• On the other hand, you have different fingers.
• Right now I'm having amnesia and deja-vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.
• Sponges grow in the ocean ... that *kills* me. I wonder how much deeper the oceans would be if that didn't happen.
• The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store... with a pricing gun. She said, "Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store..."
• The sign said "eight items or less". So I changed my name to Les.
• What's another word for "thesaurus"?
• When I get real bored, I like to drive down town and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if i'm leaving.
• When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.
• When I was a kid I had a friend who worked in a radio station. Whenever we walked under a bridge, you couldn't hear what he said.
• When I was a kid, we had a quick-sand box in the backyard. I was an only child...eventually.
• When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?"
• Yesterday I saw a chicken crossing the road. I asked it why. It told me it was none of my business.
• You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
• You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology experiment, and nobody else shows up, and you think maybe that's part of the experiment? I'm like that all the time.