There was this king nodding in his garden all alone
When his brother in his ear poured a little bit of henbane
He stole his brother's crown and his money and his widow
But the dead king walked and got his son and said, Now listen, kiddo
I've been killed and it's your duty to take revenge on Claudius
So kill him quick and clean and show the nation what a fraud he is
The kid said, Right, I'll do it but I'll have to play it crafty
And so nobody will suspect me I'll let on that I'm a dafty
So to all except Horatio, and he trusts him as a friend
Hamlet, that's the kid, lets on he's around the bend
And because he's not yet willing for obligatory killing
He tried to make his uncle think he was tuppence off the shilling
Took a rise out of Polonius, treated poor Ophelia vile
Told Rosencrantz and Guildenstern that Denmark's bloody vile
Then a troop of traveling actors, like Seven-Eighty-Four
Arrived to do a special one-night gig in Elsinore
Hamlet, Hamlet, acting barmy
Hamlet, Hamlet loved his mommy
Hamlet, Hamlet, hesitating
He wonders if the ghost's a fake
And that is why he's waiting
So Hamlet writes a scene for the players to enact
So Horatio and he could watch to see if Claudius cracked
The play was called 'The Mousetrap' - not the one that's running now
And sure enough, the king walked out before the scene was through
So Hamlet's got the proof that Claudius gave his Dad the dose
The only problem being now Claudius knows he knows
While Hamlet tells his mommy her new husband's not a fit one
Uncle Claud puts out a contract with the English king as hit-man
When Hamlet killed Polonius, the concealed Corpus Delicti
Was the king's excuse to send him for an English hempen necktie
With Rosencrantz and Guildenstern to make quite sure he'd get there
But Hamlet jumped the boat and put the finger straight on that pair
Then Laertes heard his Dad killed in the bedroom of the arras
He came racing back to Elsinore tout-d'-suite hot-foot from Paris
Ophelia with her Dad killed by the man she wished to marry
After saying it with flowers she committed hari-kari
Hamlet, Hamlet, no messing
Hamlet, Hamlet learned his lesson
Hamlet, Hamlet, Yorick's crust
Convinced him all men good or bad
At last return to dust
Then Laertes lost his cool and was demanding retribution
But the king said, Keep your head, I'll supply you with solutions
So he arranged a swordfight for the interested parties
With a blunted sword for Hamlet and a sharp one for Laertes
To make things double sure - the old belt-'n'-braces line
He fixed a poisoned sword-tip and a poisoned cup of wine
The poisoned sword got Hamlet but Laertes went and fluffed it
Cause he got stabbed himself and he confessed before he snuffed it
Then Hamlet's mommy drank the wine and as her face turned blue
Hamlet said, I think this king's a baddie through and through
Incestuous, murderous, damned Dane, he said, to be precise
And made up for hesitating by killing Claudius twice
Cause he stabbed him with the sword, forced the wine between his lips
He said, The rest is silence – and then cashed in all his chips
They fired a volley over him that shook the topmost rafters
And Fortinbras, knee-deep in Danes, lived happy ever after
Hamlet, Hamlet, end of story
Hamlet, Hamlet, very gory
Hamlet, Hamlet, I'm on my way
And if you think that was confusing
You should read the bloody play