ONLY IN MERRY OLDE ENGLAND (actual trial) A young woman who was
     several months pregnant boarded a bus. When  she noticed a young man 
     smiling at her she began feeling  humiliated on account of her
     condition. She changed her seat and  he seemed more amused. She moved 
     again and then on her fourth  move he burst out laughing. She had him 
     arrested and  when the  case came before the court this was the man's 
     reply when asked  why he acted in such a manner: "When the lady
     boarded the bus I  couldn't help noticing she was pregnant. She sat 
     under an  advertisment which read "Coming Soon The Gold Dust Twins", 
     then  she moved under one that read "Sloans Liniments remove
     Swelling".  I was even more amused when she sat under a shaving
     advertisment  which read "William Stick Did The Trick". Then I could 
     not  control myself any longer when on the fourth move she sat under 
     an advertisment which read "Dunlop Rubber would have prevented  this 
     accident." He won the case.


<hr>
     Every time Timmy's mom had her boyfriend over, she put Timmy in the 
     closet with his teddy bear.  One day, hearing her husband coming up 
     the stairs, she quickly shoved her boyfriend in with Timmy.
<P>
     "Gee, it's mighty dark in here," Timmy said. 
<P>
     "Yes, it sure is," replied the boyfriend. 
<P>
     "You wanna buy my teddy bear for fifty bucks?" asked Timmy. 
<P>
     "No way, kid.  You're crazy," said the boyfriend. 
<P>
     "I'll scream," said Timmy.
<P>
     So the boyfriend forked over the money.  The next time Timmy's
     grandmother came to visit, she noticed that her grandson was buying 
     candy, ice cream and comic books.
<P>
     "Where did you get the money for all those things?" she asked, but 
     Timmy wouldn't tell her.
<P>
     "Well, if you won't tell me, you'll have to go to confession and tell 
     the priest," said Grandma, and dragged Timmy off to the church.  As he 
     entered the gloomy confession booth, Timmy said,
     "Gee, it's mighty dark in here." 
<P>
     "Are you going to start that shit again?" the priest replied. 

<hr>

     A hip young man goes out and buys the best car available: a 1996,
     Turbo BeepBeep. It is the best and most expensive car in the world,
     and it runs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and, while doing 
     so, stops for a red light. An old man on a moped (both looking about 
     90 years old) pulls up next to him. The old man looks over the sleek, 
     shiny surface of the car and  asks, "What kind of car ya' got there, 
     sonny?".  The young man replies, "A 1996 Turbo BeepBeep. They cost 
$500,000." 
<P>
"That's a lot of money" says the old man, shocked. "Why does it cost so much?
<p>
     "Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the cool 
     dude proudly.
<p>
     The moped driver asks, "Can I take a look inside?"  "Sure", replies 
     the owner.
<p>
     So, the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Leaning 
     back on his moped, the old man says "That's a pretty nice car, all
     right!"
<p>
     Just then, the light changes, so the guy decides to show the old man 
     what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the
     speedometer reads 320 mph.

     Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror.  It seems to be 
     getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly, 
     whhhoooossshhh! Something whips by him, going much faster!
     "What on earth could be going faster than my Turbo BeepBeep?" the 
     young man asks himself.
<p>
     Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward him. Whoooooosh! It 
     goes by again, heading the opposite direction! And, it almost looked 
     like the old man on the moped! "Couldn't be," thinks the guy. "How
     could a moped outrun a Turbo BeepBeep?" 
<p>
     Again, he sees a dot in his rear view mirror!  Whooooosh Ka-BbblaMMM! 
     It plows into the back of his car, demolishing the rear end. The young 
     man jumps out, and Jesus to Betsy, it is the old man!!!  Of course the 
     moped and the old man are hurting for certain. He runs up to the dying 
     old man and says, "You're hurt bad!  Is there anything I can do for
     you?" The old man groans and replies, "Yes.  Would you please unhook 
     my suspenders from your side-view mirror!"

  <HR>

     Gambling On People
<P>
     A rather elderly lady carrying a soiled lunchbag walked into the  main 
     offices of the Chase Mahattan Bank, went to the nearest teller's
     window, plunked down the bag, and said:  "I wish to make a deposit, 
<P>
     but beforehand, I'd like to meet with the President of the bank." 
<P>
     The clerk was about to explain that this was quite impossible, when a 
<P>
     quick count showed there to be somewhat over 3 million dollars in cash 
     in the sack!
<P>
     Flabbergasted at the amount, he called upstairs to the President's
     office and explained the situation to his secretary who relayed it to 
<P>
     her boss. The old lady was ushered upstairs into the President's
     office and introductions were made. Wondering how this old lady had 
     come by such a tidy sum, the President inquired:
<P>
     "Are you in the stock market?" 
<P>
     "No"
<P>
     "Play the horses then...?"
<P>
     "No,..... actually I do wager,....... but I prefer to bet on people." 
<P>
     "I see." said the President.
<P>
     "Yes", continued the old lady,...."As a matter of fact, I will wager 
<P>
     you $25,000.00 dollars that by tomorrow morning at 9 O'clock your 
     balls will be square!"
<P>
     Speculating that he could not possibly lose the bet, the President 
     said:  "I'll have to take you up on that one!"  He and the old lady 
<P>
     shook hands and parted company. 
<P>
     The President was very carefull the rest of the day and did not go out 
     that evening to avoid risk.  Next morning as he was showering, he
     checked himself and all was as it should be.  He went to work humming! 
<P>
     At exactly 9 O'clock the old lady was again shown into the President's 
     office only this time accompanied by a distinguished looking gentleman 
     in an expensive suit.
<P>
     The woman explained, "This is Mr. Bartelby my attorney, I always bring 
     him along when dealing in large sums."
<P>
     The President acknowledged the lawyer and then said, "Well I hate to
     tell you this, but I am the same as yesterday only $25,000.00 richer!" 
<P>
     The old lady asked for proof, and in light of the sum involved, the 
     President agreed to drop his trousers to allow the old lady to grasp 
     his scrotum.
<P>
     At this point the attorney started to bang his head against the 
     President's desk with vigor.
<P>
     "What's wrong with him?" asked the President.
     "Oh him", said the woman, "I bet him $100,000.00 yesterday that by 
     9:15 today I would have the President of Chase Manhattan Bank
     by the balls!"
<P>

<HR>
<P>
Two Dutch girls are riding their old rickety bikes down the back streets of
Amsterdam one late afternoon. As it turns closer towards dusk, the
increasing darkness of the streets starts making the two girls a little
nervous when one girl leans over to the other and says, "You know, I've
never come this way before."
<P>
The other girl says, "It's the cobblestones."