I have been alerted to the presence of a "Dr. Internet" column which
claims to be authoritative, but in fact contains several errors.  This
alternate version obviates this difficulty by making no such claim, but
does try to project the aura of quiet wisdom found in the original "Ask
Dr. Science."  It was apparently written by our overnight janitor one
evening when I forgot to logoff.  (Yeah, that's the ticket.)
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<LI  How big is the Internet?  When did it start?  How did it grow?
<P>
    The Internet is actually much smaller than most people think.  It
    is primarily composed of fiber optic cables no thicker than a human
    hair, which can be conveniently rolled up and stored in a foot
    locker.  Janitors at the National Science Foundation do this on the
    third Tuesday of every month when they wax the floors.
<P>
    Since fiber optics are the size of human hairs, they also make
    attractive wigs.  The next time you watch a Sprint commercial,
    you'll see that Candice Bergen's alleged hair is really the T4
    backbone.
<P>
    The earliest origins of the Internet can be traced to Ancient
    Greece, where a loosely connected set of networks was used to
    discuss exploration in the Black Sea.  The Argonets, as they were
    then called, were entirely subsidized by the government, and won
    one of William Proxmire's first Golden Fleece awards.
<P>
    The Internet grows hyperbolically, but is usually described
    elliptically.
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<LI>Who owns the Internet?
<P>
    There is no one person or agency that owns the Internet.  Instead,
    parts of it are owned by the Illuminati and parts are owned by Free
    Masons.
<P>
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<LI>  What do the Internet addresses mean?
<P>
    Precise meanings are often hard to determine.  The address
    baker.lib.washington.edu--which is sometimes written
    baker@lib.washington.edu--seems to refer to a computer either owned
    by a baker or by someone named Baker.  This can be deceiving
    however; names like this actually refer to where a computer is
    located.  This one is on top of Mt. Baker.
<P>
    In addition to names, computers on the Internet also have numbers.
    This is part of the whole right brain/left brain thing.
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<LI> Tell me how to get on and off various lists and discussion groups.
<P>
    Getting off on various lists is currently the subject of pending
    legislation.
<P>
<P>
<LI> What is "Netiquette?"
<P>
    "Netiquette" is one of many cutesy neologisms created by combining
    two other words.  In this case, "network" and "tourniquette"
    combine to describe a program that shuts down a computer if it
    starts transmitting information too fast.
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<LI> What is "Flaming?"
<P>
    Along with an improvisational approach to floating point
    arithmetic, early Pentium chips were noted for generating heat.
    While some hackers speak fondly of roasting marshmallows over their
    first P60s, others found themselves badly singed as the chips
    caught fire.  This "flaming" sometimes occurred while the user was
    composing e-mail, resulting in poorly chosen or excessively
    vitriolic verbiage.
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<LI> What is "Bandwidth?"
<P>
    As capacity on the Internet has increased, people have begun to
    transmit material other than simple text.  One notable example is
    audio recordings of rock concerts.  These audio files are much
    larger than even very long books, so they have become a standard
    unit of network usage.  One Rolling Stone song equals one "band"
    width, and so on.
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<LI>  Why can't I FTP to some places?
<P>
    There are two main reasons for this.  The first is that the site
    you want to ftp files from is exercising a certain degree of
    control over its network resources; in network parlance, this is
    called "fascism."
<P>
    The second reason is that the remote site may be dabbling with such
    network fads as gopher or the World Wide Web.  This is called
    "keeping up with the times."
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<LI>  What is the World Wide Web, Gopherspace, etc?
<P>
    The World Wide Web, or WWW, is an experiment in generating acronyms
    that are much more difficult to pronounce than the words they
    replace.
<P>
    Gopherspace is an older network term.  In response to the Soviet
    space program's early use of dogs in space, NASA mounted a program
    to orbit a number of different rodents.  The programmers involved
    in this project adopted the motto "Gophers in space!" which has
    since been shortened.  The only actual gopher to go into orbit had
    been digging up the carrots in Werner Von Braun's garden, and was
    named Veronica after his daughter.
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<LI> Why can't I get some WWW stuff via FTP?
<P>
    It can be hard to say this, but some users of the Internet are
    unable to do things because they are stupid.  The comparatively
    trivial task of getting an ftp client to do every single thing a
    WWW browser can do is beneath this column's attention.
</NL>
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Tune in next time for Ask Dr. Internet--
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        "I have a master's degree....in Internet!"
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Dr. Internet, Master of All Knowledge<BR>
Benedictine On the Rocks With a Twist<BR>
No official connection to Dr. Science<BR>